I am definitely over this whole American Idol phenomenon. I mean honestly, who wants to listen to nobodies attempt to re-sing oldies but goodies. But check this out: Apparently the powers that be are planning on replacing Paula with none other than Courtney Love.
Let's take a look at what's instore:
Source: Us Online
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Thank You American Idol!
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Truth.com Blows
[Guest Post from Niyesha Coleman]
Ahh…the great U.S. of A.! Land of the free… Home of the brave… or is it?
While smoking my Djarum Black cloves and watching my favorite show, Slut Mania '07 [aka I Love New York], one of those damn Truth.com commercials came on... The following lines were sang through a voice box.You don’t always die from tobacco…
Clearly, this is an exploitation of a man who has smoked himself into oblivion.
Sometimes you just lose a lung…
No you don’t always die from tobacco…
Sometimes they just rip out your tongue…
Truth.com must be stopped! I think of them as the American Al-Queda with these damn condescending commercials. What gives you people the right to tell me I need to stop smoking?!?! Should I be subjected to watching you throw fake body parts into garbage cans and draw [Don't Be A Menace] chalk outlines of bodies on the ground because you can’t handle the smoke?!?!
If I want to get in my car and blow [cool ass] smokey O's on my way to work, then so be it. If I choose to enjoy a black and mild with friends at a party, I bet your “Truth-ish” commercial won’t jump into my mind and stop me from inhaling. Come to think of it, where do you even get those statistics???
How about this Truth.com: If you can't handle the smoke. Get out of the damn kitchen.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Pamela Anderson Is Trendy
Say what you want about Pamela Anderson but it looks to me like she's trying to clean up her image. Notice she's rocking the latest fashion accessory. Fat Women. Doesn't she look thin? It's fun, cheap, and always works.
Kevin Federline True Hollywood Story
Internationally famous nobody, K-Fed has just completed a Nationwide Insurance commercial for Super Bowl XLI.
[Psss... Psss... Hey Kev? We're laughing AT you.]
Tyra Banks Doesn't Like Mirrors
I think we're all focusing on the wrong issue with this whole Tyra Banks weight gain thing. To be real, we all probably still think of her as the 23 year old supermodel on the cover of Sports Illustrated. Truth is... Things have naturally changed in the couple of years...
I think the real problem is that Tyra herself doesn't exactly know what she looks like. I think if she did she might not have done a segment on her show that required her to dress up like a fat person or gone into public wearing a gallon of movie make-up and those weird "invisible" wigs.
Thoughts anyone?
Mariah Carey Has A Great Manager
Looks like Mariah actually bounced back after the 2001 Glitter debacle and being paid to leave her previous record label with the stellar performance of her latest album. So what should she do now that she's on top of the world? Pose for the March issue of Playboy Magazine.
Unfortunately Mimi won't be completely emancipated out of her clothes, but she will be wearing some very skimpy outfits.
Let's take a look back at some other great moves Mariah has made. Oddly enough, they both include TRL...
This one has to be my absolute favorite:
Let us not forget this one:
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Only The Best For Your Little Girl
Unfortunately I don't have any children myself. Actually I go to great lengths to prevent it, but I'll save that for another time. I do imagine though that parents can usually tell what their child is going to be when they grow up or do things to push them in a certain direction. For instance if you see a little basketball star you give them a ball, if you see a little scientest you give them a microscope.
Now I found the perfect gift for that little girl who you've bought all those Britney Spears DVD's for:
The Hooker Boot Phone
[Sshh, she's busy explaining to her pimp why she doesn't have his muthafuckin money]
[Sshh, she's busy explaining to her pimp why she doesn't have his muthafuckin money]
Batteries and birth control not included.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
GQ Magazine Is Kinda Gay
Now, I wouldn’t really consider myself someone that “reads”. My literary consumption pretty much consists of GQ Magazine and Men’s Health. Now I’m no Isaiah Washington but in the last couple of issues of GQ, I’ve noticed an… underlying theme. GQ Magazine has gotten kinda gay [as in homosexual, not meaning uncool].
It’s not the content of the magazine per se, it’s the many advertisements, namely Dolce & Gabbana.
Exhibit gAy:
I don’t know about you folks but seeing a mans pubic hair really isn’t going to make me want to buy a pair of jeans.
Now, I did a little digging to find out if my professional observation was correct and I in fact was:
Study of the "Gayest" Magazines
1. GQ, 10.39% of male readers are gay/bi
2. Entertainment Weekly, 10.35%
3. TV Guide, 5.46%
4. People, 5.1%
5. Newsweek, 4.74% (tie)
6. Time, 4.74% (tie)
7. Men's Health, 4.68%
8. National Geographic, 4.1%
9. Consumer Reports, 3.96%
10. U.S. News, 3.9%
Source: Gawker
But wait! The plot thickens. What is exactly behind all this you may ask? Two words: The Gay Mafia.
For decades the gay mafia has been behind every major gay event in our time:
Table of Gay Events
• Low carb beer
• The Iraq War
• Paris Hilton’s rise to fame
• Rent
• Electric Cars
• Johnny Depps performance in Pirates of the Caribbean 2
• The movie Alexander
• The “Friends” Phenomenon
• Jack Ass 2
• Countless Others...
That’s right folks. The Gay Mafia is heavely involved in the entertainment industry. I’ve compiled a list of possible members and their leader.
In case the Gay Mafia reads this I just wanted to say thank you to all my ::Lenzism:: readers. Exposing the Gay Mafia will be my legacy... It's been great blogging to you all.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
The Pocket Guide To Life
If you're like me and often find yourself saying, "why the hell did I just do that" or better yet "why the hell did I just SAY that" then maybe this can help with the decision making process:
I guess this means that i've paid for my last abortion. [Damn, I hope this isn't one of those "why did I just say that" times...]
Source: http://fishbowl.pastiche.org/
Monday, January 22, 2007
Post Adolescent Crisis
I'm going to diverge from the style of past posts and talk a little bit about myself. I'm a 22 year old dude from L.A. who has spent the last 3 1/2 years going to school at The Mecca, Howard University. I've had a blast during my time at HU.
Exhibit A:
I just had my 22nd birthday mid January and ever since then I keep getting the same question. "So, why don't you have a girlfriend?" Now I take this as a compliment and I'm starting to ask myself, why don't I have a girlfriend. How long is the fast single life going to last? Am I wrong to enjoy the very special comparatively carefree four years of college?
In light of this epiphany, I have set out to find that special woman to change my ways. In my quest for love I think that I have found just what I was looking for...
Apparently Forbes magazine has posted a list of the top 20 women Local Celebrity should date entitled The 20 Richest Women In Entertainment.
2. J.K. Rowling
3. Martha Stewart
4. Madonna
5. Celine Dion
6. Mariah Carey
7. Janet Jackson
8. Julia Roberts
9. Jennifer Lopez
10. Jennifer Aniston
11. The Olsen Twins
12. Britney Spears
13. Judge Judy
14. Sandra Bullock
15. Cameron Diaz
16. Gisele Bundchen
17. Ellen DeGeneres
18. Nicole Kidman
19. Christina Aguilera
20. Renee Zellweger
Now I'm not shallow or anything but unfortunately Forbes, I am going to have rule some of these ladies out... J.K. Rowling probably has a little baggage with the whole homeless and welfare thing. I hear she still writes her novels on McDonalds napkins. Martha Stewart is a little too hood for me. I don't fuck wit Kaballah so Madonna's out [only Lenzism]. I probably wouldn't be able to understand Celine Dion. Janet Jackson is stronger than me. The Olsen Twins aren't human. I heard Britney Spears' vagina smells like an ash tray. Jrudge Judy's skin is made of sand paper. And per Christina Aguilera's lyrics, she's "dirty".
Looks like that leaves me with Oprah Winfrey, Mariah Carey [It's ok if she's crazy.], Julia Roberts, Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Aniston, Sandra Bullock, Cameron Diaz, Gisele Bundchen, Ellen DeGreres [hey, she's funny], Nicole Kidman, and Renee Zellweger...
Hmm... It's a toss up but I think i'm going to go with Oprah Winfrey. Do you think she's reading this? Of course she is. Um... Oprah, I love your show, I don't really watch it cause it's for chicks but I'm sure you're doing segments on hair care and cooking... But yeah... Hit me up if you're free!
Thanks Forbes!
I WANT THAT!
In the second edition of "I WANT THAT" I have identified a new must have device that ever man, no every person must not be without. Do not be fooled, this multitool can be used for thousands of life an death situations. Whoever thought of this device is gonna make MILLIONS!
Source: Neatorama
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Just Bizarre...
Hey, what time is it? Um... About Skin Thirty.
Apparently someone had the very bright idea of making their watch a piercing. Great idea... Just don't accidentally bump into something.
Source: CrunchGear
It's Lonely At The Top
I think that I have just stumbled upon a story describing who may be the biggest asshole in the world.
Karl Kemp, owner of Kemp & Associates, an upscale antiques store on Madison Avenue has a problem. Homeless people have taken residence in front of his shop spending "both their days and nights huddled with their filthy belongings at his business". So how does Mr. Kemp solve this problem? Sue them. Sue the homeless people for $1 Million [That's about 2,000,000,000 soda cans in homeless talk]. That has to be the most absofuckinglutely ridiculous thing I have heard in a very long time. I love it.
So what is it exactly that these homeless people are doing to be sued for 2 billion soda cans?
The squatters “can often be found sleeping on the sidewalk ... consuming alcoholic beverages from open bottles, performing various bodily functions such as urinating and spitting ... verbally harassing or intimidating plaintiff’s patrons and prospective customers."
Now correct me if I'm wrong but isn't that what homeless people are supposed to do? What else are they going to fill all their leisure time with? If you ask me, being homeless sounds like the best job ever. You get to make your own hours. Lots of opportunity to travel. And best of all you can always get the corner office. I think the homeless people should counter sue because Kemp is disrupting their business of being homeless in front of his shop.
If this whole "college" thing doesn't work out I take comfort in knowing that I have options.
Source: NY Times
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Lindsay Lohan Is A Witch
In a desperate attempt to gain even more attention Lindsay Lohan has turned to witchcraft after she reportedly didn't hear someone calling her name for a solid 15 minutes.
Lohan apparently was seen speaking in tongues before releasing the statement on her way to rehab:"I have made a proactive decision to take care of my personal health. I appreciate your well wishes and ask that you please respect my privacy at this time."
Yes, Lindsay Lohan has actually publicly spoken the truth and done the impossible and put herself in rehab. HELL HAS FROZEN OVER.
That bitch...
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
50 Cent Wants To Fuck You Over Ladies
I have been following this little bit of Celebrity Terrorism for months and have come to the conclusion that 50 Cent wants to fuck you over. Literally.
50 Cent is out of control. More important than his brainwashing lyrics, he has slowly been introducing into the world countless products that no one wants. In his latest attempt to make a little change [get it!?!] 50 Center has decided to release his own line of condoms... Yes, condoms.
Lets take a look at what else we have been subjected to throughout the years:
- Formula 50 Vitamin Water
- Reebok G-Unit sneakers
- G- Unit Heavyweight Clothing
- 50 Cent: Bulletproof video game
- Get Rich, Or Die Tryin' theatrical release
- G-Unit books
- 50 Cent Babies from defective condoms!
I WANT THAT
I'd like to introduce a new segment in which I will list must have products that captures the American spirit that I just gotta have. And you should too.
As Super Bowl XLI is approaching at the beginning February I've gotten wind of a very necessary piece of bling that belongs in every mans refrigerator. This $100,000 diamond, ruby, AND sapphire encrusted Pepsi can will be awarded to a very lucky Pepsi fan during half time of this years Super Bowl.
Behold:
RIP Choromatsu...
It's a sad day today readers... Acclaimed actor of film and stage Choromatsu has died. He is most remembered for launching the Walkman to fame. Which predated the iPod more than 20 years. I am of course talking about Choromatsu the monkey.
Below is a video from the 1988 Sony Walkman commercial:
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Just Bizarre...
I just got wind of a very bizarre "game" that is apparently being played on the streets of Manhattan.
It's called the Hair Petting Game. Apparently the object of the game is to video tape yourself petting a strangers hair without their knowing. There is apparently the "double pet", the "browsing pet" and "Extra points for pulling a pony tails". You know, sometimes you just have to shake your head.
Tuesday, January 9, 2007
Celebrity Terrorism
Terrorism is something that has been on the minds of American's increasingly since 9-11. In doing my duty as an American I'd like to alert you all to a form of terrorism that we might not readily be aware of but we are subjected to every-single-day. Celebrity Terrorism.
I have the opportunity to alert you all of the dirty bomb known as Kelly Osbourne. I have just read the horrifying news that she intends to pose for Playboy! Yes, the magazine. The one with the nude photos. And! She wants to be nude IN the magazine!
The 22 year old has slimmed down to a pasty size 14 [read size 20] and believes that posing... nude... will celebrate it. She even goes so far as to suggest that her body be painted to hide the offensiveness [cringe].
"I'd go fully nude, but I'd have to have some airbrushing on my tits." -Osbourne
How dare she subject us to that! And you know what gets me? Even though we know about this threat before it's going to happen, there's probably nothing we can do about it. I feel powerless.
The Donald Is The Man
I'd like to share with you all my personal hero: "The Donald", better known as Donald Trump. I idolize him not for his fortune. Not for his conquering the business world. Not even for his fabulous hair. I admire The Donald because of his swagger. It is unmatched. Not even Diddy himself can touch him. He has managed to be one of the biggest assholes yet America in large has still accepted him
The Donald showed us how vindictive he can be earlier today when he went to even greater lengths to publicly humiliate Rosie O'Donnell. The following letter to O'Donnell from The Donald was very purposefully leaked to the press today. Notice how "extra" his writing is, I love it!:
"Dear Rosie,
I hope you had a wonderful vacation with your wife — you needed the rest. [Cause you said she's ugly right?!?]
An article in today’s New York Post indicates that you blew up at BARBARA WALTERS [I love the all caps] for being a ‘liar.’ Actually, I don’t blame you, but in fact she lied to both of us! After your maniacal and foolish rant [Get her Trump!] against me two weeks ago, Barbara called me from her vacation (I did not call her) [Of course not, you're The Donald ] in order to apologize for your behavior. She had heard that I was going to retaliate against you and tried to talk me out of it. She very much wanted me to go on the show as soon as she got back so that she could ‘patch things up’ (I said no). To be exact, she said that ‘working with her is like living in hell’ and, more pointedly, ‘Donald, never get into the mud with pigs’ and, ‘don’t worry, she won’t be here for long.’ [OMG was that supposed to be secret?!?] Barbara knows exactly what she told me over the phone and she has to live with it. Perhaps that’s why her initial statement was so mild!
In another incident, when I saw her eating at Le Cirque about two months ago and asked how ‘Rosie was doing,’ she sarcastically rolled her eyes and said ‘Donald, do you have to ruin my meal.’
In any event, you have a good reason to be angry. Please give my warmest regards to Kelly!
Sincerely, Donald J. Trump
P.S.
I was surprised that you let your spat with Barbara get into the newspapers, but, as I have always said and as you proved with Rosie, the magazine, you are very self destructive. You must work on this for your own good! "
Sunday, January 7, 2007
A Moment of Lenzism
A key part of achieving Lenzism is taking a moment out to relax and laugh. A very healthy way to gain joy is to laugh at the misfortune of others.
An now, your moment of Lenzism:
Bonus:
Saturday, January 6, 2007
Lupe Fiasco Thinks He’s Better Than You
I would like to introduce a piece that I will be doing from time to time where I will bring to your attention individuals that I personally do not like and you should not either; for very valid and un-superficial reasons. Today I will be featuring a one Lupe Fiasco…
---
I wanted to bring up some valid evidence to support my position. I found an interview that he did with AllHipHop.com:“I was so cool because I was from the hood, you know what I'm saying? [No, I don’t know what you’re saying] I could still relate to this person or that person you know [Yeah I know, I get it], but like for the most part it was like I had like this nerdy kind of like appeal because of the stuff I was into too. I was into comic books and you know [I’m not stupid! I have a blog duh] Japanese cartoons, and you know [So condescending right folks?] into classical music and reading, and different uncool stuff like that"
Maybe you think you're "original"? Guess what: A lot of black people like to skateboard and about 1.3 billion people are muslim. I don’t get you Mr. Fiasco. Call me old fashioned but the way I grew up, I don’t like what I don’t understand.
Wednesday, January 3, 2007
The Ghost of Gerald Ford Finally Put To Rest
Good news today folks. Former President Gerald Ford has finally released his reign of terror on the United States. For 8 days straight, the ghost of Ford has haunted our television screens with endless updates about the whereabouts of his dead body. Miraculously parading across the country, seemingly autonomously. I for one was terrified. Every time I turned on the television screen I was in fear that I'd see his image or hear him again.
Apparently his body was lying in "state" towards the end of his haunting. I don't know exactly what that means but I think it is in reference to an old pagan ritual where you wait for a body to rise back up in a zombie like state to wreak havoc on mankind. Now I could be wrong about the zombie part but I'm not a man who second guesses himself.
I did a little research about his early life and what I found chilled me to the bone. "Gerald Ford Jr." was actually born Leslie Lynch King Jr. Lynch King Jr. As in Martin Luther? Coincidence? I don't think so. Now I am still looking into the connection between Kings 1968 assassination and Ford. As of yet, I have no evidence but I believe that his possible past of terror can explain the haunting.
As always. News you can use!
Welcome To Lenzism
Welcome to Lenzism. As the tag line says, “Trust me, I'm a professional." This blog will be an outlet for my professional commentary on anything that pops into my head that I believe may serve as valuable information to you as well as lessons derived from my own life experiences and mastery of Lenzism.
You may be asking, what is "Lenzism"? If you were to go Wikipedia, and there was an actual article, I'm almost pretty sure it would most likely probably be defined as: 
A body of teachings and related techniques developed by American science fiction author L. Jon Betters. It began in 1985 as a self-help philosophy, an outgrowth of his earlier self-help system, Lenzinetics, and later described itself as a new religion. It claims to offer "an exact methodology" to help humans and animals achieve awareness of their spiritual existence across many lifetimes and, simultaneously, to become more effective in the physical world. The name "Lenzism" is also used to refer to the often controversial Church of Lenzy, the largest organization promoting the practice of Lenzism, which is itself part of a network of affiliated corporations that claim ownership and sole authority to disseminate Lenzinetics and Lenzism.
Now do not forget to bookmark this page and check back often for updates.
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